Kansas 59, Davidson 57

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

No one should be surprised. I told you this was not an idle threat.

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Great Americans: Bushrod Washington

Bushrod Washington, nephew of George Washington (you know...President George Washington? As in, the guy who started America?) is known in history as a member of the US Supreme Court, who served for many years alongside Chief Justice John Marshall (the judge about which Andrew Jackson said, "John Marshall has made his decision, now let him enforce it", due to Marshall's ruling that the forced relocation of the Cherokee people was unconstitutional while President Jackson was ideologically committed to this project.)

This is probably all old news. I mean, who doesn't remember learning about Bushrod Washington in fourth grade civics class? Now it's time for some things you probably didn't already know about Bushrod Washington:

1. After John Marshal became the Chief Justice, Bushrod Washington voted in agreement with him on all but three occasions. One of those times was the now infamous Ogden v Saunders case, which had a major effect on early 19th century bankruptcy law. Yeah, it's a big deal.
2. Bushrod Washington actually predicted the development of computer stuff like LINUX and WORLD OF WARCRAFT in this excerpt from his journal: "Forsooth, someday my children's children's children shall scamper about the laureled hills of AZEROTH, in the form of LEVEL 70 ORC MAGES, and then shall they bash-script."
3. Bushrod Washington, were he able to travel to the present and were he able to go to MOE'S SOUTHWEST GRILL, would order the Nachos and would like them.
4. George Washington never chopped down the fabled cherry tree. Guess what. It was Bushrod.
5. If Davidson College does not win tonight, Bushrod Washington will join me in a scream of disappointment...FROM HIS GRAVE!

[edit] I selfishly forgot to note that TIM BOISVERT was the person who taught me about Bushrod Washington. You opened my eyes to a hidden chapter of history Tim...for that I thank you. [/edit]

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THIS IS NOT AN IDLE THREAT!

If you have been following the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament at all this year, you probably already know about Davidson College making it to the Elite Eight. Davidson is a tiny college in a tiny town, Davidson, NC. The town's population is about 8,000 and roughly 2,000 of those people are students at Davidson College.

The big news is, the Davidson Wildcats are in the Elite Eight of the NCAA tournament. This is a big deal. Schools with huge athletic programs (for example, all of the other teams in the Elite Eight) are expected to make it deep into the tournament each year, but rarely does a team that pulls off a first round upset, proceed to pull of an upset in all the following rounds until they reach the quarter-finals. So, with that said, I am cheering for Davidson College to win it all. And to make sure that they do win, I am adding this threat: IF DAVIDSON COLLEGE DOES NOT WIN THE NCAA MEN'S BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT, I AM GOING TO SCREAM! And internet...that is not an idle threat.

Also, Carolina is looking pretty invincible at the moment, so I am prepared to scream if I have to. This is NOT an idle threat.

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Coincidence? Probably

Mark Twain was born on the day when Hailey's Comet appeared in 1835. The next time Hailey's Comet came around, he died on the SAME DAY IT APPEARED (1910). He even predicted the exact date of his own death : "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it."

My question to you, internet, is this: Coincidence? or not Coincidence?

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Learning By Listening at Whole Foods Market

Hello Internet,
This is Whole Foods Market: scene. Whole Foods Market is a grocery store that sellsFor anyone who has never been to a Whole Foods Market before, please allow me to set the "natural" foods (their term, not mine). In most cases, "natural" means "organic"; "organic" means...well, that is a question for another post. The employees are, for the most part, hip and young, usually with dyed hair and some sort of piercing on their face. They aren't punks, there just sort of non-threateningly cool. (Like this guy from the London Whole Foods Market ->).

The idea is, that by shopping at Whole Foods Market, you: 1) save the environment and 2) are young, hip, and a tiny bit dangerous, just like the employees. Whole Foods Market shoppers have the added joy of sticking it to the man.

I overheard many humorously self-important conversations during a recent dinner at the Whole Foods Market Cafe. Today I'll just talk about one. I overheard the conversation of three women who were eating couscous and talking about their experiences as parents. The conversation drifted towards the performance of their children in school. Listening to them, I realized...EVERY MIDDLE CLASS WHITE KID IS A GENIUS!!! Let's break it down, internet:

Case 1: Jamison
Jamison gets poor grades. The problem is that his teachers don't realize how gifted he is, and so he is constantly bored due to a lack of mental stimulation. Border Collies have been known to be destructive when they don't get enough exercise. Jamison is basically the same way. A boy of his brilliance should not be forced to learn how to read and write. Instead, he should be encouraged to learn in his own unique way, which in this case consists of watching Shrek III.

Case 2: Ethan
Ethan also gets bad grades. This time, unlike with poor Jamison, the teachers recognize that Ethan is a true eleven-year-old savant. Unfortunately, while his brilliance has not gone undetected by his astute teachers, the school board won't allow her to nurture little Ethan's gifts. According to Ethan's mom, the school board's main objective is to find bright lights, like Ethan, and snuff them out with long division and reading comprehension tests. Ethan's talent (I heard her say this) is video games. He has trouble remembering to carry the one when adding 17 and 15, but he can play LEGO Star Wars for hours on end. She is sure he will become a programmer because most programmers learn their trade in a sudden epiphany after hours of gaming: "My World of Warcraft Guild just beat Onyxia's Lair...that must mean that Levenshtein distance is going to be important in fuzzy string searches."

Case 3: Emma
Emma gets good grades in her classes. She is only thirteen but she has been trying to read The Great Gatsby. Her brother brought it home to read for his 11th grade English class, but has not made much progress so she decided to give it a shot. She plays for her middle school soccer team and is the only seventh grader who usually starts. The only problem, according to her mother, is whether or not she is brilliant, like the other two kids. She seems just ordinary smart while the Jamison and Ethan have real intellectual potential.

In conclusion, if you shop at Whole Foods Market, then your kid is genius. Wow. This post really went downhill fast. This is a pretty terrible ending. I am so sorry.

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Two Computer Haikus

First, a brief introduction. The haiku is a Japanese poetic form. A haiku is usually a three-line poem, consisting of a five syllable line, a seven syllable line, and a final five syllable line. It is similar to the Senryu and the Tanka in form, though traditionally, it is unique in tone and subject. The haiku has long been a favorite of nerds and bad writers because it is short and doesn't need to rhyme. Basically the haiku is to poetry what the tambourine is to instruments - even an idiot can make a decent attempt. With that introduction, here are two haikus which have been inspired by my struggles with computers, the internet and linux.

Linux: bash-scripting
has left me weary, longing
to be Bourne-again.

The internet is
a computer that other
computers can use.


Thank you.

[edit] I got so excited about the idea of COMPUTER POETRY that I have created a new blog dedicated to it. If you love to read poems about computers, please visit http://computerpoetry.blogspot.com/ [/edit]

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Worst Inventions: Great Inventions List

I thought it was going to be a great idea, but it turns out, I Hate Lists About Best Inventions. They're boring. So, it's over. From now on, I won't be making any more top ten lists. I'll focus instead on top one lists. Here are a few to get me started...

Top One Celine Dion songs: The Titanic One
Top One Type of Quesadilla from Taco Bell : Chicken
Top One Computer Thing: Internet
Top One Computer Program: Linux
Top One Alternate Name for 'Web Log" besides "Blog": E-Blog
Top One Characters from Batman (films or comics): Batman

Thank you. Please come back next time as we discuss "THE GREATEST MOVIES WITH TALKING ANIMALS AS CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME!" (not a list)

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Great Inventions: Cool Ranch Doritos

Number Six. Best Doritos ever. I don't even know what to say about these. They are like the number one chip of the world rolled in zesty ranch sauce. If I could have one-thousand of any kind of chip I would get cool ranch doritos. They make your breath stink. I can gruffle down these chips like they were totally healthy. I bet the astronauts eat these in space. I bet they eat these on MOUNT OLYMPUS. Thank you.

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Great Inventions: LOST!

The seventh invention on the list of All-Time Greatest Inventions is, LOST. LOST narrowly edged out the calculator watch to take the seventh place on the list.

Anyone who has ever seen the show can tell you: LOST is like heroin (shown to the left) that you watch on TV. Side note: yes, that is a reference to LOST within a reference to LOST. Remember how Charlie is a recovering drug addict? See what I did there?

Our panel of experts agreed that LOST deserved to be immortalized as one of humanity's greatest achievements due to the fact that it is "extremely addictive", "cooler than Heroes", and "the best thing on TV in the wake of the writers' strike."

Personally, I am relatively new to LOST. I started watching the episodes online and am currently about two-thirds done with season two. I look forward to the day when I can proudly approach anyone I encounter and say, "I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes." Since what they are probably thinking is, has this guy seen every single episode of LOST? and the answer will be, YES.

See you later, Internet.

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Great Inventions: The Calculator Watch

Number eight on the list of greatest inventions since the dawn of time is the calculator watch. This item narrowly edged out the Nintendo Power Glove for the eighth place spot.

Historians and nerds alike agree that the calculator watch deserves a spot on the list due to it's unprecedented functionality; it can keep time and perform basic arithmetic. There are many different makes and models of calculator watches, including this one, which features a built in ruler!

The calculator watch first came into prominence during the 1980s and it's popularity has not stopped growing since. Many twenty-first century businessmen are smashing their Blackberry, iPhone, and Gameboy smart phones under the tires of their automobiles and are instead using calculator watches to do business.

As it turns out, according to YOUTUBE, the calculator, or caluclatior as it is called in Japan, is in danger of being replaced by the Abacus. Maybe by the time I get to the number one invention in history, the abacus watch will finally be out and I'll be able to write about it.

See you next time, for invention number seven!

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Great Inventions: Power Glove

Number nine on my list of the top ten greatest inventions in the history of the human race is the Nintendo Power Glove. This item narrowly edged out the Jumbo Novelty Pencil to take ninth place.

The addition of the Power Glove was an easy one. According to experts, the Power Glove, "really rock's the house down." In addition to being totally rad, Nintendo also made a movie about the Power Glove. Critics of this film, titled THE WIZARD, condemn it as a shameless product placement with no artistic merit. This claim is preposterous. Just take a look at this clip from the movie:


I love the Power Glove. It's so BAD! In conclusion. The Power Glove rules. Please join us next time as we look at the eighth greatest invention of all time.

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Great Inventions: The Jumbo Pencil

Number 10 on our top ten list of great inventions is the Jumbo Novelty Pencil:

This item narrowly overcame the Segway Personal Transporter for the #10 spot on the list.

Our panel of experts selected the Jumbo Novelty Pencil for the list due to it's "usefulness and hilarity."

The first Jumbo Novelty Pencil was made for the 1878 World Fair in Paris. This, of course, was the era during which the south American nations of Peru, Bolivia, and Chile were locked in deadly struggle in the War of the Pacific . These first Jumbo Pencils bore the anti-war slogan : "No Blood for Guano". Since its inception, the Jumbo Pencil has gradually evolved from a polarizing political symbol into a souvenir shop trinket that makes an inexpensive and thoughtful gift.

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Cynicism 101: Why Voting Doesn't Matter

Anyone who has ever been to high school has taken the civics class where they extol the importance of "voter turnout" and "free democratic elections" and "hanging chads." There was one thing that your civics teacher forgot to mention, though : YOU'RE VOTE DOESN'T MATTER. I know this is hard to accept, but that doesn't make it false. For instance, it's hard for me to accept that people pay money to own Nickelback records (these guys ->), but there are over twenty-five million people who have purchased a Nickelback album who speak to the contrary.

In the 2004 presidential election, 121,480,019 people showed up to vote. 62,040,606 of those people (51%) voted for George W. Bush. 59,028,109 people (48%) voted for John Kerry, while all the rest thought it was cool that "Ralph Nader" sounded so much like "Darth Vader" and voted for him. So, we can do the math and see that George W. won the popular election by 3,012,497 votes. 3,012,496 of those votes didn't matter, since as long as Bush had one more vote than Kerry, he would technically win. All the votes for Nader & the third party freaks didn't matter because none of those "let's-talk-about-real-issues-instead- of-just-repeating-buzzwords" weirdos won. Every vote in favor of John Kerry didn't matter since he lost. And since none of the votes for his competition mattered, all but one of the votes in favor of George W. Bush didn't matter. Let me break this down, just like old times:

Your vote doesn't matter:

• If you vote for someone who loses
• If you vote for someone who wins by a margin of more than one vote

Your vote does matter:

• If you are the only person who votes in the election

But we don't elect our president with a popular vote, we have the ELECTORAL COLLEGE!! Oh wow, thanks for the reminder internet. Guess what, the electoral college doesn't matter either. Here's why. Let's say, hypothetically, that I lived in Missouri (whose official nickname is The Show Me State) and that I voted for Bush. In 2004, Bush won the state 1,455,713 votes to Kerry's 1,259,171. At stake in this election were a whopping 11 electoral votes. Since Kerry lost, none of the votes in his favor count. Since Bush won by a margin greater than 1 vote, my vote didn't matter either. I suppose that hypothetically, if I were the first person to vote for the winning candidate, then maybe my vote might matter, but since it's hard to figure out who the first person to vote for Bush in Missouri, I will just assume that it wasn't me and that my vote doesn't matter.

Please remember, internet, that this is real science that I am doing here. There are strict internet regulations preventing anyone from doing non-scientific things with the internet.

This effectively concludes our pre-election breakdown. Please join me next time as I begin to chronicle, the "Top Ten Inventions in History"...the results may surprise you!

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Election '08 : Showdown (Pt. 3)

What's the main thing that America needs right now?: A big hug? No. To get out of Iraq? No. A reversal in the trend of deficit spending? No. To restore international credibility? No. A way out of the impending recession? No. Education? No. Food and water? Yes, but this is still not the main thing that America needs. As it turns out, the main thing that America needs is hope. Hope is defined in the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language as "a good feeling, you know? Like how you feel in E.T. when the kid's bike goes off the ground thanks to alien power and you're like, dang, that is nice that that happened. See also, good vibes." Clearly, hope is important for America and there is no better candidate to give us hope that Barack Obama. Obama is a self-described "hope junky" who "sometimes can't get to sleep at night, because I'm just too wired from all the hope I had during the day. But it's cool, you know, just riding the H-train all the way to the White House." He explains, "I don't just use the stuff, I also "sell" it too. I'm really trying to appeal to a young demographic. If I can get bunch of high school kids hooked on this stuff, they'll keep coming back their whole lives." When asked if he was concerned that too much hope would have a negative effect on the surly youngsters he replied, "I don't think so. I mean look at The Beatles. They were on hope all during the sixties and they seem fine." So here he is...

TODAY'S CANDIDATE:
Name: Barack Obama
Nickname (given by me): B.O'B.
Party: Democrat
Campaign Slogan: Change We Can Believe In
The Main Thing About Obama:If you're tired of how things are going and you're ready for a change, B.O'B is your man. If you just want four more years of the same problems, vote for someone else. Basically, he'll give you hope and change.
Favorite Quotation: "Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity: and my eyes burned with anguish and anger." from "Araby" by James Joyce.
If Elected: Sen. Obama would...
1. Make changes
2. Big Changes
3. You will be surprised when you see the extent of these changes because
4. they will be substantial.
5. Decriminalize hope.
6. Legalize medicinal hope.
7. Give hope to all Americans.
8. Strongly oppose NAFTA so that American dollars will stay in America instead of going to the greedy Mexican Hope Cartels.


Well, there are more candidates, but frankly, they are all boring and have no chance of winning.

Hopefully this election guide has highlighted the differences between the candidates and this will allow you to make an informed decision in November. Next time on Joel on Internet, I'll explain why I think voting is pointless and I won't be participating as a voter in this election. See you then!

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Election '08 : Showdown (Pt. 2)

How can we, as voters, predict which candidate will make the best president? Let's answer that question with a question - Who cares? Popular opinion shows that, with the exceptions of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and FDR, the voters have been wrong every time! Remember how much people don't like George W. Bush? Guess what American Internet...WE ELECTED HIM! (at least this time. In 2000, you could argue that we actually elected Al Gore). James Buchanan (this guy ->) is widely considered the worst president in American History due to the fact that his leadership plunged the country into Civil War. Unfortunately, Buchanan was also a democratically elected official, which leads to the disappointing conclusion that either : 1. We are not intelligent enough to govern ourselves or 2. No one (or at least less than half of us) can predict which candidate will make the best president. So, in this bold spirit of freedom, and with renewed enthusiasm for the democratic process, here is our next candidate.

TODAY'S CANDIDATE:
Name: Hillary Rodham "Hot Rod" Clinton
Party: Democrat
Right or Left Handed: Right (but the plot thickens...see video below)
Campaign Slogan (according to official website): "Drive Hillary to Victory"
Widely Known Fact: Hillary Clinton is married to former U.S. president Bill Clinton, and is currently the junior U.S. Senator from New York.
If Elected: Sen. Clinton would...
1. Strengthen the middle class
2. Provide affordable and accessible health-care
3. End the War in Iraq
4. Promote energy independence and fight global warming
5. Keep the Oval Office tidy and clutter free (Bill!)
6. Move back into the White House
7. Tease Bill by calling him "First Lady"

This video is serious and for real. Good job Fox News, for saying what we were all thinking...Why would she use both hands when she could just use one?

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Election '08 : Showdown

Most historians agree that America is the number one country. As such, the political happenings of the United States are of great interest to the internet and the world at large. But in todays complicated political arena, it's easy for the casual observer to feel overwhelmed by such esoteric terms as, "Super Delegate" and "Front-Runner". Even those who are comfortable with the terminology are often frustrated by the fact that they can't tell the difference between the candidates. So, here is a brief election guide for the casual internet user. I will be profiling one new candidate each post, providing you with the most relevant information on the internet. We'll start with John McCain.

TODAY'S CANDIDATE:
Name: John McCain
Party : Republican
Age (in dog years) : 497
Campaign Slogan (according to official website) : "McCain wins Republican Nomination"
Little Known Fact : Sen. McCain's favorite television program is "The Rockford Files".
If Elected : Sen. McCain would...
1. Win the War against Islamic Extremists
2. Reform Healthcare for all Americans
3. Reform the Government
4. Continue to be a "maverick"
5. Fight for his right to party
6. Be the oldest president in America
7. Be the president of America
8. Mess with Texas

The Rockford Files:

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I Messed With Texas

Hello Internet. There are two things that America is not supposed to do: first, Don't Tread On Me, and second, Don't Mess With Texas. Well, this weekend, I broke the second rule. I messed with Texas.

Let me give you a little bit of Texas history. In 1836, Texas signed a Declaration of Independence that, simply put, declared that Texas was, from thence forth, politically independent of Mexico. That same year, Sam Houston defeated General Santa Anna at arm-wrestling in the legendary Wrestle of San Jacinto. The generals had previously agreed to decide the question of Texan political autonomy in this manner. When, after losing the arm-wrestling match, Santa Anna reneged on the deal, the troops were forced to fight the Battle of San Jacinto and the Texans prevailed.

In 1845, after nine years of begging, Texas was admitted to the USA as the 28th state. In 1861, a little over 15 years later, Texas voted to secede from the Union. Near the end of the Civil War, the government of Texas collapsed, resulting in several years of near anarchy. In 1870, after more begging, they were readmitted to the Union. From then on, Texas was just a weird state, which despite twice begging for statehood, maintained the fantasy that they were independent and could leave the United States at any time. They called themselves the Lone Star Republic and for some reason thought that this was impressive.

Now, please don't make the mistake of thinking that my comments are derogatory. I would never speak poorly of the place that boasts the highest per capita use of cowboy hats and boots in the world. Nor would I ever deny the right of the Texan to burn fossil fuel with impunity, or suggest that the large number of enormous pickup trucks on their roads is anything less than exemplary. All I'm saying is that I messed with Texas, as seen below:
This picture was taken at the University of Texas campus at a display they had about the Beat writers who, with the exception of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg, no one cares about. Apparently, that dress is something from the '60s and for some reason it is important. I didn't bother reading the placard. Why? Just to mess with Texas.
Another way that I messed with Texas is by drinking mostly tap water while I was there. Let's do the math: arid state + water consumption - money I would have put into the local economy by purchasing beverages - taxes and water fees that I don't pay to any municipality in Texas = I MESSED WITH TEXAS.

After suffering defeat at the hands of the Texans in the battle of San Jacinto, General Santa Anna returned to his hacienda in Mexico. Sensing that the infamous Pastry War of 1938, in which France attacked, and was defeated by, Mexico over damages to the property of a French pastry chef in Mexico City, presented a valuable political opportunity, the general resumed command of the military. He used this opportunity to restore himself to power and establish himself as an autocratic dictator. Years later he was exiled from the country and forced to flee to Cuba. So, in a way, he messed with Texas.

In conclusion, Texas is a land with rich history and a penchant for redneckery. You can mess with Texas.

On the other hand, Texas has no waiting period to purchase firearms; purchasers don't need to complete any safety training; it is not necessary to register firearms with the government of Texas; there are no background checks at gun shows (or anywhere for that matter); no license or permit is required to purchase a handgun, and there are no restrictions on the use of concealed weapons. I didn't know any of this when I messed with Texas, but I learned it from the internet since I've been back. Maybe I won't mess with Texas again.

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Linux: A Strange Program

Hello internet, does this sound familiar?: You're hanging out with friends, eating nachos, listening to Savatage, and just generally getting relaxy. Things are going well. You tell a joke and everyone laughs and says, "Dude, you are totally on fire today." You stay cool and say, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" and everyone laughs again and agrees that that was the perfect thing to say. You spill some nacho cheese down the front of your jacket but you don't even care and nobody points it out because they respect you. Things are going really great. And then you hear someone say, "Let's talk about LINUX." BAD NEWS! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LINUX! "What's your favorite window manager?" you hear someone say. The guy playing Guitar Hero pauses the game and says, "FVWM, no doubt. That is classic." The cute girl who you've been checking out the whole time says, "I like MUTT. It is proven," and you're like, "Dang I didn't know girls did LINUX!" You want to impress her so you have to say something.

FREEZE.

The way that you answer this question is important. You've been on a roll up until now and you don't want to blow it. You've got to think of something good to say even though you know nothing about LINUX.

This situation is getting more and more common these days. Seems like everywhere I go I overhear people talking about LINUX. Everyone is like, "I am hip, young, and sexy and I like LINUX!" So, I have taken the liberty of interviewing the Linux expert known as "Jo-Jo Felony" (shown above) about how to react in this kind of situation.

"First of all, you need to stay calm. A lot of beginners, or "n00bs" as we call them in the industry, tend to panic whenever the subject of LINUX comes up. You don't have to be an expert, or "h4xz0r" as we say in the industry, to converse about LINUX. In a pinch, these phrases will keep you from getting owned, or "pwnt" as we say in the industry."

1. "LINUX? More like LINE-UX" (Deliberate mispronunciation...High-larious)
2. "There are 10 different kinds of people: those who know binary and those who don't" (This came from a T-Shirt)
3. "The basic tenet of LINUX is to slowly replace the mouse with the keyboard. Mice are for children and idiots" (Good timing is the key to making this one funny)
4. "Look at that Penguin!" (Apparently LINUX has a mascot)
5. "I bet Morgan Freeman uses LINUX!" (A dubious supposition that probably depends on the fact that Mr. Freeman narrated the film, March of the Penguins and the fact that the Penguin somehow represents LINUX. I repeat...this one is sort of tenuous)
6. "You know who I really respect as an actor? Don Cheadle!" (Please, judge him by his impressive acting credentials, and not by this picture. That wouldn't be fair)
7. "Kill Dash Nine" (To hard to explain)
8. "Dev Slash Null" (Again, it's technical and you probably don't care)

Well, this should basically do it. Just remember, LINUX is probably the strangest computer program out there. As far as I can tell, it has no games and no internet. Trust me, this one is going to blow over fast. Someday, we'll look back and say, "Where did I leave my LINUX box? Oh, right next to my Atari and my Ace of Base cassette tape." So for everyone on the internet who doesn't do LINUX, just learn these phrases and weather the storm.

(Here's some Ace of Base for your enjoyment)



Next Time: We do Politics

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BLOG!

Did you ever wonder about the word 'blog'? According to a recent study by the FCC, no one knows where the term 'blog' comes from. A lot of people thought that the word was created for the film, Juno, so that the devilishly witty teenage protagonist could rattle of hundreds of lines of increasingly unlikely witticisms and puns. Well, looks like the FCC was wrong this time. After a lot of intensive investigation and analysis of historical documents, I am pleased to be able to reveal to the internet the etymology of 'blog'.

'Blog' is actually a portmanteau of 'web log'. This illustration of the linguistic process should help:

WEB LOG
WEBLOG
-EBLOG
--BLOG

There's just one problem: why didn't they stop shortening when they got to 'e-blog'? I'm not sure if there was a committee or if maybe Frank Vincent, or someone of similar cultural influence started calling it a 'blog' and set a trend, or what. 'E-blog' just sounds much more "techno-savy" and "web 2.0" to me than 'blog' does. For instance, what is better, regular boring commerce, or e-commerce? In conclusion, here is a video of Airwolf


That is a great helicopter.

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Business Cards

This is my new business card. I just got two hundred and fifty of these babies and I'm pretty sure that they are going to be the secret to my future success. Few things say, "TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, PLEASE!" like a business card. I'm not sure that the effects of a good business card are really quantifiable, but if they were, I would guess that a person with a business card is at least 75% more credible than a person without a business card. And that's just a ball-park estimate. Who knows, the actual credibility increase could be as high as 80%. It could be a whole order of magnitude greater than that. 800%. Sound like I'm getting carried away? Think again. This video should convince you otherwise.



Let's be honest. A good business card can really open doors. (Figuratively)

Knowing that I wanted a business card was easy. Knowing what to put on that business card, on the other hand, was a challenge. Going into this, I had only two things in mind. One: that I wanted a business card. Two: that I needed to put my name on the business card. So I started thinking, what else can I put on my business card? I needed a title. "Vice President" would be nice, I thought. But I haven't been a vice president of anything since my senior year of high school when I was the VP of the Calculus Club. I won the election over Phillip even though he was better qualified, being in Calc II while I was just in Calc I. (Maybe history knew I would someday have a business card, and that's why I won.) I thought about a few other titles, "Attorney at Law", "Gun for Hire", "American", "Boy", and "Horse Whisperer" but all were rejected for one reason or another. Finally I decided on "Mastermind" (This should come as no surprise to anyone who started reading this post from the top, since I included a picture). Is it cocky to be a self-proclaimed mastermind? The short answer is YES. The long answer is YES, IT IS. Am I really a mastermind? The only answer is NO. But the people who are going to be impressed by my business card don't know that, now do they?

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I'm on the Internet

Hello America; I'm on the internet. I should be honest from the start. The internet or "web", as it's called in some circles, is a mystery to me. According to wikipedia, the internet looks like this...



I have basically never read anyone's blog. This has caused me to pause and carefully consider my foray into the internet community. If I never read other people's blogs...why should anyone care about reading mine? There's a simple answer: no one should. And probably no one does. That's okay though, because to me, the value of having a blog lies not so much in the fact that it allows other people to read what I have to say. Instead, by beginning this blog, I am saying, "Here I am internet. I may not understand you. You may not understand me. But I am going to write stuff on you. Or in you. I don't know where my blog is." And that's what it's really about for me.

Hello, internet.

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