Ask an Expert: Answers

Last weekend, I introduced my new, "Ask an Expert" segment, in which you, the internet, submit questions to this e-blog for me (the expert) to answer.  There were some very good questions posted, and I hope that my answers are sufficiently expertly.

Q: Noel wrote: Dear Expert, Why is Kanye West obsessed with the auto tune machine?  It's really bothering me.

A:  Thanks for the question Noel!  First, a little bit of background for the readers who are not familiar with this.  Auto-Tune is a program which can be run in digital recording studios to make pitch corrections to audio files.  In other words, it can make an out-of-tune singer sound in-tune.  The parameters of this program can be set so that natural variations in pitch get "corrected" to a fixed note, producing the effect you hear in this Kanye West song:

Now, as to why he is using this technique - the answer is simple.  He wants to officially join the elite ranks of musicians who have successfully used auto-tune.  The list is formidable: Cher (who's single, Believe, is the first notable use of the technique), Kid Rock (Only God Knows Why), Daft Punk (One More Time), Lil Wayne (Lollipop),  Jo-Jo (Too Little Too Late), T-Pain (every song).  In other words, by using this technique, he is hoping that people will consider him a part of this highest eschalon of musical ability.

Q: Anonymous asked: Which aspects of TimeCube make them the greatest rock band of the 19th, 20th, 21st, and 22nd, centuries?

A: I will answer this question with a question so you can see how silly it truly is.  What is the best thing about Angels?  Duh!  They're perfect, so how can you single out one aspect for consideration?  What color is a rainbow?  Um...let me see...every color!  TimeCube is the best band in the history of the world and will fight anyone who claims otherwise.

Q: Mary wrote: I refuse to ask you question (sic).  Instead, here's a statement of fact: I will win our e-blogging contest.

A: Remember, "ONE MAN'S FACT IS ANOTHER MAN'S FICTION!"  Think about that for a while!

Q: Greg Vlazny wrote: Dear Internet, how will my son react to having a new baby sister in the house next week?

A:  First of all, congratulations!  Second, this was a trick question because your new baby is actually going to be a boy.  Sure the doctors may say it's a girl, but let's face it...they can't be absolutely certain until the baby is born, and I'm predicting a suprising twist: IT'S A BOY!

Q: Teri wrote: what are the chemical reactions that take place to allow a material (namely in food applications) to increase its viscosity in response to an increase in shear rate?

A: I have two things to say about this.  First, I DO understand the question.  I want everyone to be totally clear about this!  Second, this question overlooks the more important questions of why there are CHEMICAL REACTIONS GOING ON IN OUR FOOD!  I think it's a shame that we have grown so complacent about eating chemicals.  For instance, tomatoes contain high doses of chemicals like L-ascorbate, B-3 Niacin, and potassium.  WHAT THE HECK PEOPLE, ARE WE GOING TO STAND FOR THIS?!?  From this moment forward, I intend to eat only those foods which contain no chemical-compounds.  The one exception is water - I will consume that particular chemical compound, but none others - and only if I drink it from a trendy water-bottle which is made of chemical free aluminum.  So in conclusion, be afraid of science!

Thanks for your questions!  Post your questions for the next "Ask an Expert" session and I'll answer them in one week's time!