Our Heroes are Dead

>> 28 October 2008

With the campaign for the White House becoming increasingly hostile -- staggering levels of vitriol and unfounded accusations -- and Washington embroiled in corruption scandals --Sen. Stevens' convition -- one must ask, where are the true heroes?

FAKE OUT!  You thought I was going to talk about politics, but I'm actually going to talk about something far more important: TV.

The first season of Heroes was pretty rad, but since then, it has plummented to astonishing lows.  Apparently, the writers of Heroes actually hate their audience and want to make the show's most loyal followers suffer for their allegiance.

There are two problems with the show: Time Travel and the characters are all idiots.

In the current season, for instance, the plot revolves around a secret formula that can be used to give ordinary people powers.  Apparently, this forumla will destroy the world because everyone will have hero-powers and will kill each other.  So, this formula gets released when Hiro, the character who can time-travel, receives a recorded message from his deceased father, who tells Hiro never to open the family safe because if he does it will destroy the world.  As soon as the message ends, what does Hiro do?  He opens the safe and take the formula out.  It is then stolen by a super-fast evil-hero girl.  So what does Hiro (the TIME TRAVELER) decide to do?  Rather than travel five minutes back in time to warn himself not to open the safe, he decides to travel several years into the future to see if the world really gets destroyed (it does).  And the idiocy doesn't end there.  None of the characters on the show are capable of rational decision making.

Peter Petrelli, who has the time-travel powers of Hiro, as well as the ability to read minds, teleport, regenerate, and fly -- still, somehow manages to get trapped, time after time.  Wow.  What an idiot!

Anyway, I hereby officially and publicly renounce Heroes and declare my intention to never again watch the show.


Famous Last Words

>> 22 October 2008

Think about this:  Everyone who is now alive will someday die.  With very little exception, no one knows how or when they will die.  This being the case, most people don't know what their last words will be.  I figure that for someone like me and most of you - not elderly and in pretty good general health - the most likely way to die is in some sort of accident.  Now, the most likely fatal accident that you could suffer would be some sort of car accident.  So, in order to have some degree of control over what your last words will be, I suggest that any time you leave any place (home, work, church, etc.) you say something "last-word-worthy" before you go.  Just in case.

Say for instance, that I am at work and preparing to go home for the weekend.  On my way out I say something lame like, "See you guys at the staff meeting on Monday."  Then, on the way home, I accidentally drive my car into mine-field and get blown to bits.  I would spend the entire after-life regreting those boring last words.  But what if I had said something awesome like, "BULLETS CAN'T KILL ME!"?  That's much better as far as last words go.

So, with that in mind -- here are some good last words to keep in mind.  Say these things just before you head home from work, or leave the house to go to the grocery store, or after your Sunday-school lesson.
  • This is only the beginning
  • I have no regrets
  • You may never see me again
  • You will never ever see me again (this one is riskier)
  • See you in another life, brother (in a Scottish accent)
  • Bullets can't kill me
  • Everyone dies -- not everyone truly lives
  • The dude has got no mercy!
  • I will come back to haunt all of you
  • Rosebud (whispered)
The list could go on for a long time, but those are a few things that I think are worth saying as last words.  Have any others to add to the list?  Share them below in the comments.


Amazing Goal

>> 19 October 2008

NYRB v. Columbus this weekend.

This blew my mind.  Incidentally, Danny Cepero (the Goalie who scored in the video) was playing his first professional game that night because the starting 'keeper was suspended for taking a banned dietary supplement.  With the win his team (NY Red Bulls) gains likely play-off berth.  What a way to start your career!  


Erik Comes Home!

>> 18 October 2008

Lock your doors!  Bar your windows!  Erik will be returning to "civilian" life next Friday (Oct. 24th).  Presumably, he won't have the bushy hair or the wild chops that you see here, but we won't know until we see him.

Anyway, here are some pictures of him playing strange instruments to celebrate his home-coming.


Behind the Scenes at the Debate

>> 16 October 2008

Good News!  We got an exclusive interview with Internet-expert and widely-ignored political analyst Jordan "Jojo" O'Mara (shown -->).  Jordan "Felony" O'Mara was at the presidential debate last night and has agreed to give us his insights (as well as some exclusive photos).  Here it is:

Me: In your opinion, who won the debate?
Jojo: The terrorists.  Here's why: Nobody threatened to kill Osama bin Laden.  Next question.

Me: In your opinion, who lost the debate?
Jojo: Barack Obama lost, because he had fewer interruptive outburts.  John McCain made a brilliant move when he shouted, "ZERO?!"  Check and Mate.  In this country if you want to get anything done you have to yell.  Next question.

Me: In your opinion, which candidate was balder?
Jojo: Listen, I have three degrees in political science, not 'biology'.  Bald is as bald does.  Next question.

Me: Based purely on racial stereotypes and jokes about old people, which candidate do you think would win a game of one-on-one basketball?
Jojo: Barack Obama is an elitist and only plays lacrosse.  John McCain has alzheimers and does not remember the rules to basketball because it was invented well after he had aged past the sports playing age.  Therefore - stalemate.

Me: That was not the answer I expected.
Jojo: Well, sometimes the truth is shocking.  Next question.

Me: Who will win the election?
Jojo: I just took a representative sample from my workplace.  Bob Barr will win the election with 100% of the vote.  As a political scientist, I understand how to conduct surveys in a statistically sound manner.

Me: You didn't let me finish; I meant the North Carolina gubernatorial election.
Jojo: Oh.  Let's talk about the IT gubernatorial election instead.  Philip Rhodes.  He is a risk taker.

Me:I have no idea what you're talking about. Is this elitist insider jargon?

Me: Wait, wait.  I'm sorry.  What was the best moment of the debate?
Jojo: When McCain announced he was also a member of the Alaska Secessionist Party.

Me: What was the worst moment?
Jojo: Well, there was no dancing.  Barack Obama can break it down and he chose not to and I think that says a lot.

Me: Going beyond the debate now, what's the happiest thing?
Jojo: The happiest thing is spinning out from combining lethal amounts of alcohol and caffeine.

Me: Follow-up question: what's the saddest thing?
Jojo: Excellent question.  I did not think that far ahead.  The saddest thing is a band whose sound engineer abandons them for a state with no immediate redeeming qualities.

Me: Can you explain what is occuring in this picture? (-->)
Jojo: I know, but I'm not allowed to explain it for security reaons.

Me: I understand.  Say something crazy about the debate.  I'm looking for a sound-byte to finish up with.
Jojo: Can I just leave you with a youtube clip?
Me: Sure.
Jojo: This succinctly sums up my opinion of the debate.

Thanks, Jojo, for your stunning insights.  And thank you, internet, for reading.  Feel free to leave your thoughts about the debate or this debate analysis.


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>> 14 October 2008


USA 6 - Cuba 1

>> 13 October 2008

For all of you loyal e-blog readers who also enthusiastically follow international soccer (all four of you) I thought that today I'd include some highlights of the USA's thrashing of Cuba in their latest World Cup qualifier match.  Cuba isn't exactly a world power, but Saturday's game featured at least one world class team!



Presidential Debate

>> 08 October 2008

I learned something about each candidate as well as something about the moderator.

Obama:  Cannot begin a sentence with any word other than "Look" (I'd love to hear him say, "look, listen.")

McCain:  Cannot talk to anyone without calling that person "my friend"  (he might even slip up and say this if he were talking with Osama bin Laden...a chilling thought).

Tom Brokaw:  Is obsessed with keeping time.  He said "Time Limit" over a billion times.


I'm Watching the VP Debates

>> 02 October 2008

The Vice-Presidential debate can so far be described in two words:


Apparently Sarah Palin does not understand questions and Joe Biden does not understand that he looks creepy when he smiles.  A few interesting facts I learned in this debate:
  • Alaska feels global warming more than other states (I would have thought that the temperature would increase fairly regularly across the board).
  • Sarah Palin has a "diverse family" -- does that mean it includes both males and females?
  • Clean coal is not as dirty as dirty coal.  (Thanks Joe Biden!)
  • It's Nucular -- not nuclear (apparently)
  • Israel has a history of successful peace negotiations.
I can't take it any more.  Sarah Palin will not answer a single question.  Biden doesn't answer very articulately, but at least he tries.


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