Google Searches That Will Lead You To This e-Blog

People always ask me: Joel, if I want to find your website by abstruse and roundabout means, what are some Google searches that will lead me to your e-blog?  So, to answer everyone who has been asking this question (and anyone who has never asked this question) -- here is a list of Google Searches that have led people to this e-blog.

• calculatior (sic)
• copmuter is great (sic)
• hairy dudes
• radical chops
• ten worst computers
• why did linux call his invention the internet
• wrestling hairy
• you diggie the most

Unfortunately, internet, I am not making any of this up.  This information comes straight out of Google Analytics.  Basically, my status as an internet celebrity (self-proclaimed) is the consequence of Google searches gone terribly awry.

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The Weirdest Fortune Cookie in the World

You probably heard about China during the 2008 Summer Olympic games.  But,as it turns out, China has been around for a long time before the Olympics.  In fact, many of the things that we use everyday were invented in ancient China:

• Paper
• Printing
• The Compass
• Kung-Fu (as well as the lesser known wushu)
• Gunpowder
• Noodles
• Accupuncture (pseudo-science)
• Silk
• Paper walls
• Chopsticks
• Forks (No joke.  The fork was invented in China long before chopsticks were)
• Fortune Cookies (especially fortune cookies!)

This evening, after I finished my "House Fried Rice Special" from Beansprout Chinese Restaurant, I looked forward to opening my fortune cookie.  So, imagine my COMPLETE AND UTTER ASTONISHMENT when I read this fortune:

"The Master doesn't take sides same as your spouse."

What?  I assume that a captialized "master" is God.  All punctuation here is the same as it was on the fortune.  I have been trying to add my own punctuation to decipher this fortune.  Here are my best guesses:

• The Master [God] doesn't take sides, same as your spouse.  The implication being that God does not take sides and neither does my spouse.  This shouldn't make much sense to anyone who has read the Bible because it seems that God sometimes does take sides! (Destroying Angel anyone?).  And Rochelle (my spouse) also takes sides, though without the same dire consequences of God's taking sides against Egypt.
• The Master doesn't, take sides same as your spouse.  In which case, the message seems to be that if you don't know what God's will is about a particular question, then it's best to be on the same side as your spouse - practical and prudent.
• The Master doesn't take sides same as your spouse.  With no punctuation added, my fortune seems to say that God never takes the same side as my spouse - which leaves me with a tough dilemma in which, no matter which side I pick, I am going to be facing some wrath.

So anyway, if there is anyone out there on the internet who can help me solve this dilemma, I welcome your input.  What does my fortune mean?  Are fortune cookies 100% accurate?  What's the strangest fortune you've ever gotten?  HELP ME INTERNET!

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THE OFFICE IS BACK!

This Thursday, billions of Americans from all over the world are going to pick up their remotes and turn on their TVs and change the channel to NBC and then wait until nine o'clock (eight central) PM to watch the season premiere of The Office.  And I'm going to be one of them.

Seasons 4 was not my favorite and I'm hoping that the show

 rediscovers its early form.  The first season was short, but hilarious...like this guy  -->.  The second season focused on the romantic tension between Jim and Pam, culminating in this...

In season three, Jim and Pam were still not together, but by season four, they were officially (pun!) in love.

While this was a great relief to most fans of The Office, it left us all wondering: what next?  The one thing that we all cared about had been achieved; what comes next?

Season four didn't really have anything next and while it had some very funny moments, was slightly directionless.  So, here are my predictions/hopes for the new season...

1. Michael and the new girl hit it off and drive everyone crazy.  (Duh!)
2. Pam goes to NYC for graphic design stuff.  Jim stays behind and things get rocky.
3. Dwight builds a robot.
4. Angela actually does marry Andy.
5. Phyllis takes up Tae Kwan Do, improves self-esteem.
6. Creed gets a stapf infection.
7. Oscar and Kevin have an arm-wrestling match but are so evenly matched that neither can win, and they just stay at their desk for hours, engaged in this epic struggle with niether able to gain the upper hand.  They both die from the exertion.
8. Stanley does a crossword puzzle.

What are your predictions?  What do you think of mine?

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Pathetic.

I am in the Computer Lab at NC State, waiting for my next class to start. I thought that this would be a good time to work on one of the several papers I have to turn in next Monday, or maybe it would be a good chance to get caught up on some reading. I could read and respond to my email. There are many things that I ought to be doing right now.

But instead I search youtube for videos of people crashing on Segways. Ouch.

I hope that you are more productive than I am, but just in case you're not, here are a few of the best videos I have come across.







I am laughing like an idiot right now and getting dirty looks. Enjoy.

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Election '08: The Results are In

If readers of this e-blog ruled the world, then Barack Obama would rule America.

Here's the breakdown of our election:

Obama / Biden - 41%

McCain / Palin - 37%

Undecided - 12%

Third Party (Wasted Vote) - 8%

So, technically, Obama's victory is not guaranteed because the 12% who were undecided could ultimately vote Republican and give McCain the win.

So, based on the results of this e-blog and my own growing disappointment with John McCain's new tendency to lambast Obama and praise Sarah Palin instead of talking about things that affect Americans: the $311 Billion spending deficit (for the first half of 2008), the housing crisis, the ballooning cost of the war in Iraq, etc. - I am predicting an Obama victory.  I am calling it here.  It's called.

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People on TV Can't Hold Their Breath

People always ask me, "Joel, if you were in a TV show, created by J.J. Abrams, would you have what it takes to survive?"  After having watched the pilot episode of FRINGE, the latest show from the guy who invented Lost and Alias, I feel pretty confident in my ability to survive on one of his shows.  Here's why:

1. Guns do not kill people in his shows.  Anyone who has ever watched an episode of LOST knows that guns are for two things: pistol whipping and giving Sawyer (-->) a chance to take his shirt off while the wound heals.  So, I'm pretty sure that no gun could kill me if I were on a TV show.
2. Even when you die, you're not fully dead.  Again, any fan of LOST knows that dying is really only a two or three episode hiatus.  And according to FRINGE, a dead person's brain waves continue to...well, wave...for quite some time - long enough that a "dead" person can be interrogated by computers.
3. I can hold my breath.  Check out this scene from FRINGE.  Maybe while you're watching it, you can try this little challenge: the moment the pillow goes down over homeboy's face, start holding your breath.  Then, see if you could "survive" this smothering.  I really think you'll be able to do it, although if it gets close, and you feel like you might die, go ahead and breathe - it would not be worth risking anything dire.]

Congratulations, you (and I) have survived (y)our (I shouldn't have started with the parenthesis) first TV SHOW MURDER ATTEMPT!

Tell us how your survival experience went; leave your comments below!

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Election '08

Who will you vote for?  I'm just curious.  Please vote in the poll (on the right-hand side of this page) and in the real election and feel free to share your political insights in the comments section if you wish!

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Twilight...BLEH!

Unless you live in a cave (or unless you are a very well-informed cave-dweller) then you know about Twilight.  These books have become a huge sensation, reminiscent of the Harry Potter Series.  There are four books in total: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn.  And while I have not read all four, I have read the first one and am now stuck with the question: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!

At the risk of offending anyone who likes the book, I have a few issues to discuss.

1. The first two-hundred pages of the book can be summarized in one sentence.  "Bella moves to a new town and meets a very good looking boy named Edward, who acts very strangely around her, leading her to fear that Edward dislikes her."  NO JOKE!  It takes two-hundred pages to say this!  The last one-hundred pages are decent - they tell about how this super-vampire (he's a "tracker" so watch out!) tries to eat Bella and fails - but a three hundred page book should have more than one hundred pages of story!
2. This book was written for middle school girls, but it sounds like it was written by a middle school girl.  Here is a typical scene:

"Edward," she said, staring up into his too-perfect eyes.  "Promise me you'll never leave."

Edward grimaced and said, dangerously, "I shouldn't be here.  I shouldn't be talking to you.  This is too dangerous."  He smiled dazzlingly.  "I would never forgive myself if something happened to you," he said threateningly.

She gazed longingly at his body; he was like a greek god.  "But I love you," she said, enigmatically.

He didn't answer, he just got in his too-perfect Volvo and drove away at a speed of 200 mph.

Bella flushed with rage.  She couldn't speak.  She shook her hands angrily.  "I love you," she said tenderly as he drove away.  "And I always will," she said ominously.  "Until the day I die," she said, even more ominously than before.

My point is this - I wouldn't be suprised if Cormac McCarthy

 ate a bowl of alphabet soup and barfed up writing better than this!  And I'm not a book-snob.  I loved Harry Potter.  I liked the Da Vinci Code.  I'm not some guy who only likes James Joyce (pictured with eye-patch).  But I have my standards and Twilight is almost unreadable.

3.  I can't believe Edward doesn't bite her and turn her into a vampire like she wants him too.  That was extremely lame and was only done so that she could have a reason to keep writing books and making more money.  I don't have a problem with her making money, but when she RUINS her story just to cash in on the franchise a little more, I think there's a problem.  (Spoiler Alert).

SO...I'd be happy to hear from any fans of Twilight who can tell me why I'm wrong.  Maybe the next books are better; maybe they are "too-perfect" (Stephanie Meyer's favorite vacuous adjective).  But I just don't see what the fuss is about.

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Top Ten Numbers

A lot of people ask me: "Joel, what are the best numbers?" This is a tough question for two reasons. First, there are infinite numbers, so picking just ten of them becomes challenging. Second, I don't know all the numbers!. Sure, I know most of the basic ones, like seven, eight, million, billion, thousand, etc. but there are plenty of them which I don't know, so it's not easy to definitively compile this list. It's like someone asking me whether it's better to get hit in the face with a tennis ball which has been soaked in gasoline and set aflame, or to vacation in a five-star resort. Since I have never done either of these things, I'm not really qualified to judge, but oh well.

So, without any further delay, here is my list of top ten numbers.

1. one
2. two
   
3. three
4. 867-5309
5. pi
6. six hundo
   
7. one billion
8. six (sum of factors yields the original number... 1x2x3=1+2+3=6...you just have to respect that about six)
9. c (speed of light 299,792,458 m/s)
   
10. thirteen (makes the list with the dubious honor of being the unluckiest number)

What do you think internet? Did I miss any important numbers? Share your thoughts below!

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