Election '08 : Showdown (Pt. 3)

What's the main thing that America needs right now?: A big hug? No. To get out of Iraq? No. A reversal in the trend of deficit spending? No. To restore international credibility? No. A way out of the impending recession? No. Education? No. Food and water? Yes, but this is still not the main thing that America needs. As it turns out, the main thing that America needs is hope. Hope is defined in the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language as "a good feeling, you know? Like how you feel in E.T. when the kid's bike goes off the ground thanks to alien power and you're like, dang, that is nice that that happened. See also, good vibes." Clearly, hope is important for America and there is no better candidate to give us hope that Barack Obama. Obama is a self-described "hope junky" who "sometimes can't get to sleep at night, because I'm just too wired from all the hope I had during the day. But it's cool, you know, just riding the H-train all the way to the White House." He explains, "I don't just use the stuff, I also "sell" it too. I'm really trying to appeal to a young demographic. If I can get bunch of high school kids hooked on this stuff, they'll keep coming back their whole lives." When asked if he was concerned that too much hope would have a negative effect on the surly youngsters he replied, "I don't think so. I mean look at The Beatles. They were on hope all during the sixties and they seem fine." So here he is...

TODAY'S CANDIDATE:
Name: Barack Obama
Nickname (given by me): B.O'B.
Party: Democrat
Campaign Slogan: Change We Can Believe In
The Main Thing About Obama:If you're tired of how things are going and you're ready for a change, B.O'B is your man. If you just want four more years of the same problems, vote for someone else. Basically, he'll give you hope and change.
Favorite Quotation: "Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity: and my eyes burned with anguish and anger." from "Araby" by James Joyce.
If Elected: Sen. Obama would...
1. Make changes
2. Big Changes
3. You will be surprised when you see the extent of these changes because
4. they will be substantial.
5. Decriminalize hope.
6. Legalize medicinal hope.
7. Give hope to all Americans.
8. Strongly oppose NAFTA so that American dollars will stay in America instead of going to the greedy Mexican Hope Cartels.


Well, there are more candidates, but frankly, they are all boring and have no chance of winning.

Hopefully this election guide has highlighted the differences between the candidates and this will allow you to make an informed decision in November. Next time on Joel on Internet, I'll explain why I think voting is pointless and I won't be participating as a voter in this election. See you then!